How To Amp Up Intimacy & Connection With Your Boo
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The pandemic has not only been tough on moms, it has also tested relationships.
According to the Institute for Family Studies, when the pandemic swarmed the U.S. last March, divorces rates skyrocketed due to “lockdown-related stress.” But the GOOD NEWS is that 58% of married Americans, say that the pandemic has made them appreciate their spouse more. Half even say that their commitment to marriage has deepened.
While the love is there, it’s important to nurture it, especially as families begin to slowly crank back to normal life.
Plus, the internal growth, shifts, and changes that we’ve experienced as moms during the pandemic are not just ours to carry. If we’re in a partnership, we’ve likely shouldered change as a couple; whether that translates to juggling more childcare responsibilities, sacrificing alone time, making financial adjustments, or even dealing with loss. Whether your marriage has been rock steady or just plain rocky over the last few years, we could all use tips on how to reconnect with our partners, post pandemic.
“There’s stuff that we do together that builds us. Then there’s stuff that you do on your own that builds and fuels and fulfills you. All of that is good growth.”
-Lauren Drean, Marriage and Family Therapist
I was excited to speak with Lauren Drean about the concept of women deepening their connection with their spouses.
Lauren is a Minnesota-based, married mom of three boys. She’s also a Marriage and Family Therapist, who is training to be a sex therapist. Lauren has tips on how married couples can build deeper daily connections, and even amp up intimacy, as we all move into a post-pandemic world.
Stress and anxiety is high for many of the couples that she counsels, especially when partners differ on politics or vaccinations.
“How do we navigate what choices we’re making without judging our partner? That can be really hard in this political climate,” Lauren explains.
The concept of space, and couples spending a lot more time together can also impact intimacy. “With intimacy, it’s all about managing distance.” Lauren says the more space you have—the more intimacy you can develop.
“I don’t necessarily mean physical distance. I mean emotional and personal distance. When my partner and I are too connected, too in mesh, I don’t see my partner as someone different, and that can be hard for intimacy. Part of eroticism, part of that desire is, ‘Oh, I see my partner as separate from me.’ That’s appealing and really interesting and I want to close that gap. But if there’s no gap to close, then it can be really hard. It’s all about that dance.”
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A few ways to “create space” can include picking up a new hobby on your own, reading a book, or even learning something new; whether it be a new language or taking a class.
“There’s stuff that we do together that builds us. Then there’s stuff that you do on your own that builds and fuels and fulfills you. All of that is good growth. That’s why it can be so appealing if, let’s say my husband picks up a new hobby and he’s getting really good at it...That’s really attractive to me that my partner is feeling confident and happier, and that it’s something that I don’t quite understand yet. I want to get closer. I want to understand.”
If you ever wonder why there’s so much passion in new relationships, Lauren says it’s because of differentiation.
“We’re getting to know another person, that person’s difference and the differences expand (our) own sense of self, instead of just validate (ourselves). It’s this expansive and exciting and new thing!”
The more that couples can insert space into their relationships, the more new their relationship may feel.
“We are separate humans and that’s ok. We don’t have to think the same. We don’t have to do the same.”
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For couples who are struggling to reconnect post-pandemic, Lauren’s tips include:
Set aside designated time together and schedule it in as frequently as you can. Assess your budget to determine what you have the means to do regularly. This can mean hiring a weekly sitter, or even simply, as Lauren and her husband have done; grabbing a baby monitor and taking it outside to gaze at the stars and soak up alone time.
Evaluate what you are comfortable doing, and how much support you can put in place. How many risks can you take, for the sake of your mental health? This can include taking a family or even a couples trip, enrolling in a class, or dining out. “Just finding things to do that feel a little bit special, and as off the grid as you can possibly get,” Lauren says.
Set boundaries, and stick to them. This can look like putting the kids down early and ditching social media scrolling before bed to take time to connect. It can also include setting parameters like, “While we’re together tonight, we’re not going to talk bills, we’re not going to talk kids. This is just our time, and we’re going to do something specific.”
Go to therapy together: Setting time aside to talk openly about your relationship, and come up with a plan of attack, is a huge step and can work wonders.
Cook a meal together, do an at-home wine tasting, take a weekly walk, or read a book together: Anything that may be a new experience as a couple helps no matter how small or grand it may be. One of Lauren’s friends hosted a Bob Ross painting date night in her own living room.
Image Credit: Laura Margarita Cedeno Peralta, Unsplash
AND WOMEN....If you feel like you’ve tried all of the things and are still challenged in the intimacy department, give yourself compassion and grace. There are many factors to consider biologically, especially if you are a mom.
Lauren counsels many women who have a lower desire, or less sexual interest once they become moms.
“We are fused to these little humans and fused to our partners. It’s very hard, especially when you have small children to hold onto your own identity...There’s a neurobiological and a biological shift that happens in your body, where it’s not about me and what I need anymore about me. It’s about these little humans that I cannot, NOT take care of. That’s now my primary goal.”
Tuning back into oneself and reprioritizing self-care can be difficult, Lauren admits, even for herself.
“Honestly it’s one of the harder things I have to do. I’ll tell my husband, ‘I am not doing alright,’ and he’s like ‘What do you need?’ and I’m like ‘I do not even know.’ Because my body’s not mine, my time is not mine…”
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How can moms get back to themselves? Lauren urges women to get comfortable with acknowledging their own wants and needs. As Glendon Doyle discusses in “Untamed,” it’s all about tapping into your inner knowing, going inside and asking: “How do I start to identify what this is?” The more you can slow down and figure out what you’re feeling, and name it, then you can move to a place of solutions, self soothing, or healing, she explains.
“Every feeling is attached to a need and that’s why our feelings are so important. It’s so closely connected to a need that we have.”
For example, if you’re feeling resentment it may mean that you’re not setting good boundaries. If you’re afraid of setting those boundaries, do more internal work to discover the root of your fear. If you need space, discover what type of space you feel comfortable taking. “Does that I mean I lock myself in the bedroom for 2 hours? Does that mean I lower my expectations of what gets done around the house?” It’s a process of trial and error, and managing the anxiety that comes with carving out me time, as a mother.
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“Because it’s new, so when (we) take space, (our) partner may not necessarily enjoy that. And they’re asked to step up in a way that they haven’t before. So that’s hard for them and hard for you. That’s where that differentiation comes in...the more we practice the easier it gets for both partners.”
And if you don’t have a partner, or if your partner is unable to participate in that way, discover what other supports you can put in place. Even if it means leaning on electronics—guilt free.
“I put my kids in front of the TV and go take a bath. Otherwise, they get a grumpy mom. What’s 8 hours of TV in one day? It’s a day and we all needed it, but I had some time. Then I could be more present for the next 4 days.”
Continual retooling is key. Lauren compares self-care to a tending to a garden.
“You don’t just say, I weeded, now I’m good. There might be a time where it’s like ‘Oh, I need to get in there and weed. It’s going to take a few hours.’ But it doesn’t mean that you’re done…(It’s) like a maintenance thing. It works best if it’s once a week. Take 15 minutes, pull out the weeds, but that’s not always the case. So just taking care of it, as consistently as you can.”
To connect with Lauren and learn more about her Marriage and Family or Sex Therapy practice, contact her on Instagram.